IHOP

Dear Plate Across from Me,

You may think you’re better than me but you’re not.  Being the so-called “Special” with that silly picture of yours pasted on the front cover of the menu and consistently winning the popularity contest at our restaurant, it’s not all that it seems.  Look, I may be easily missed in the healthy section on the back page of the menu, but my whole wheat, walnut & blueberry-filled, banana-topped goodness is nothing to scoff at, okay!  Are we clear?  I’m just being honest and I’m not done.  You’re nothing but a high-calorie, grease-filled, classic American breakfast that makes me salivate!  I know you think you’re hot stuff because of your juicy sausage, perfectly-browned and crispy hash browns, and those pancakes made with regular flour, not wheat flour–are you serious?  I made need a minute here to rethink my order.  Fly, please land on me to give me an excuse to refuse this healthiness.  And just look at what’s happening with the strawberry syrup-saturated consistency and literally a mountain of whipped cream that I could ski down.  I mean, where are the pancakes anyway?  I can barely even see them and I so badly want to dive into that cloud of whipped cream and bathe myself in the sticky strawberry sweetness.  You call that presentation, too, which just kills me as I stare at your glow.  Just for the record, this competition is not over until our customers get up and leave this place, yours needing to be rolled out of here and any minute ready to doze off into a sugar-induced nap, and mine, not quite full, wanting more food, and a little less of the nutty aftertaste of pancakes that taste more like toast than anything.  Hunger will soon strike again in my customer and yours will be full for the rest of the day.  And by the way, I’m half the calories, half the taste, and two bucks cheaper than you are, so there!!  I hope this makes things clear.  See you around, hotcakes!

Yours Truly,

A Healthier Breakfast